Sleepless in Seattle - The SSL Review

Sleepless in Seattle

I rewatched Sleepless in Seattle last week. Charlie had started watching it while he was editing, and I got in on the action a little later so I missed the first 20 minutes, but I did not miss finding a real orgasm advice gem. It was SSL reviewable, and I’ll speak on it below. For the movie in general, what I’ll say is that this was a lot more strangely gendered and old-timey than I remembered, but I enjoyed the watch anyway.

Sleepless in Seattle Poster 1993

An SSL Review (for those that don't know about them)

Only depiction or discussion of female orgasm and/or female masturbation and/or the clit and/or cunnilingus are eligible for SSL Review. Nothing else counts, including plain 'ol sex if it doesn't include anything listed above. I specifically critique the realism (for instance, were the physical things happening to that women while she orgasmed things that could realistically cause orgasm for a woman?) and also speak on what the depiction/discussion reflects from and adds to the larger cultural discussion around lady-gasms and female sexuality.

You can see all the movie SSL Reviews HERE (and as always you can find all the SSL TV Reviews HERE ).

Disapointed in Denver

This gem of line that I’m SSL Reviewing here was in a radio show Annie (Meg Ryan) was listening to in her kitchen. It is indeed the same call-in advice radio show that she first heard about Sam (Tom Hanks). Sam’s son had called in about finding his dad a new wife because his mom (and Sam’s wife) had died. The phone eventually got to Sam and the radio host talked to him as well. As a result of that, woman all over the country - including Annie - were swooning over him.

Anyway, Annie gets out of bed, goes to the kitchen and turns on the radio to that call-in show hoping to hear more about ol’ Sam.

Announcer: Welcome back to the best of Dr. Marsha Fieldstone, clinical psychologist and the friend you never had. Remember…”Disapointed in Denver”?

Disappointed in Denver: Every time I come close to orgasm, he goes to make himself a sandwich.

Dr. Marsha Fieldstone: Why don’t you make him a sandwich beforehand?

Then the show goes on to remember Sam (Sleepless in Seattle), and the movie continues. But, dude, what about that fabulous advice Dr. Marsha dropped out of nowhere?

This, I imagine was written in for some laughs, but it wasn’t in the context of the call-in show being ridiculous or giving outrageous advice, because that’s not how the show was depicted overall. There was at least one other example of Dr. Marsha giving advice and it was sensible and serious - wondering to one caller why they would want to be with someone that doesn’t love them. And Dr. Marsha’s interactions with Sam and Sam’s son were sweet, serious, and sensible as well. I just mention this to emphasize that although this was for laughs, I don’t think it could be described as funny-because-it’s-outrageous advice - maybe a bit silly, but part of that silliness exists, I think, because the writers could assume that the audience wouldn’t take this woman’s partner’s disinterest in her orgasm too seriously.

Because - what was the big insinuation from Dr Marsha’s advice? It’s that “Disappointed in Denver’s” sexual desires are not that important to whatever sexual interactions she’s having with this dude. His desires - including the desire to ignore her orgasm and get a sandwich- take priority and should probably be attended to (make his sandwich ahead of time) before she can expect actual attention to her desires. The insinuation was not that she’s with a laughably selfish dude and deserves better - like the advice Dr. Marsha gave the woman asking about a man that didn’t seem to love her. There was no sense of acknowledgement in this joke about how very real and problematic this lack of interest in female orgasm is to sooo many woman’s lives. The insinuation is that he’s a silly man and this is a silly situation with a silly solution.

The joke the writers went for here was about the silliness not the the ridiculously laughable inequality of it. Dr. Marsha didn’t say something like: ‘why don’t you go make yourself a sandwich next time he’s close to orgasm?’ Granted, a woman, Nora Ephron, was both the director and 1 of the 3 writers for this movie, so it’s not that it didn’t have a woman’s perspective in the creation, but I have certainly found simply having a woman on the creative team of a movie is not always an indicator of thoughtful and progressive depictions and discussions of female orgasm.

All to say, this movie put forth a certain perspective with this “Disappointed in Denver “ joke. It might have been that the writers were writing from a bit of a backwards perspective on how female orgasm can and should fit into a sexual interactions. It might have been lazy comedy writing, but either way I think it is an indicator of the cultural perspective at the time because I don’t think this joke was of any real note except as a quick joke. I think audiences of this 1993 movie were hearing this advice with a light-hearted jokey nature. The overall vibe was less ‘WOW can you believe her advice? It’s SO wildly off-base and misogynist that it’s funny’ and more ‘that’s a silly problem that got a silly answer!’

I say this noting that I watched this movie in both my pre teens, my teens, and my early 20s. I don’t remember that joke at all. Charlie had seen it before a few times too and also didn’t remember. I could be wrong, but I feel like I’d remember something that seemed so wildly outrageous, anti-feminist AND sexual from a movie I’d seen multiple times in my teens. Yet, I didn’t. It makes me think that the message of that little exchange just sank discreetly into my brain amongst the pile of other insinuations I’d gathered about lady-gasm over the years…and I doubt my brain was the only one it sank into.

BONUS SCENE FOR FUN

Also, there’s a scene where Sam and his son are brushing their teeth before bed.

Son: When you get a new wife are you going to have sex with her.

Sam: (taken a little aback) Well, I certainly hope so.

Son: Will she scratch up your back?

Sam: (very surprised) What?

Son: In movies women are always scratching up the men’s back and screaming and stuff when they’re having sex.

Sam: How do you know this?

Son: Jed’s got cable.

Sam: (with an eye roll) Oh! Jed’s got cable.

(they stop discussing it and finish up the teeth brushing and head to bed)

I like how Sam just says, “how do you know that,” like it’s a true fact of sex. He doesn’t ask what he saw that made him think that or tell him that’s an exaggerated depiction of sex - that movie sex doesn’t reflect the reality of sex. Again - just some lines meant for laughs, but I mean, I just think…maybe hope…that the parenting in a scene like that would maybe be a little better, in 2025. Especially I hope this because I feel like I’m seeing more interest in parents having actual discussions with kids about the unrealism of the porn that kids inevitably see.

That’s it, I just thought it was a strange little sex-and-kids scene that deserved a shout out for you to ponder.

Vulva Rating

Although it might have been intended as a harmless joke, I imagine this was one of many tiny insinuations that helped reinforce ideas already floating around about female orgasm such as: ‘men don’t care much about it,' ‘women shouldn’t expect much enthusiasm from men in helping get it', ‘a woman shouldn’t take it too seriously if her partner doesn’t take her orgasm seriously,’ — you know things like that…all the same things that still live rent free in women’s minds today.

So, I’m gonna give this movie a 1 out of 5 vulva rating. It’s not a zero because, ya know, it’s just a joke.

(!)

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